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UNPLUG A WHILE

3/26/2019

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“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you” Ann Lamott writes in her book Almost Everything.

I get so caught up trying to get done what I think needs to be done and fix what I see as broken that I don’t even notice the stress that is building in my mind and body. That is, until I feel very frustrated, tired and upset.

I have this inner program that says, “Keep at it until it gets done!” When what I need to do when I get stuck is pause, take a breather, go outside in nature for a few minutes, or have a cup of tea and relax.

Yes, things work better and often solutions appear when we take a little time to back off, stare out the window and look at the trees and sky.

Stephen Jenkinson, also known as The Griefwalker, tells us that the major addiction in our Western culture is trying to figure things out.

We seem to want answers so badly that we rack our brains and forget that solutions often appear when we stop, relax and take our minds off the problem.

It is my experience that answers come more easily when we are not actively engaged in solving the issue. We may be even be sleeping and get an answer in a dream.  Or doing the dishes when a solution pops into our mind.

But it’s hard to let go if we have an inner program that tells us we should be able to figure this out!

It’s OK to give it a good go, but instead of doing the same rain dance over, only harder, it helps to unplug for a bit. Then we can begin again, and this time it will be from a different frame of mind.
 

One small change changes everything. We often don’t believe this, but it’s a fact. Everything flows, just like a river. The current changes with every rock or twig it moves over. Our smallest touch changes things.

Giving up that old need to figure things out on our own may seem like relinquishing our brainpower. It often goes counter to rational thought. The ego does like control.

As a very young child my uncle offered me a nickel (these were depression times) which I accepted with glee. Then he held out a dime explaining that it was worth twice as much as the nickel, and offered the dime in exchange for the nickel.

If you think I went for it, you’re wrong. Human logic is often very misleading. I didn’t trust what I couldn’t see and I could clearly see that the nickel was twice as big as the dime. Why should I give that up for something smaller?

This has been a metaphor in my life. Just because something appears larger or more valuable doesn’t make it so. I often reflect on this and have regretted when I forgot!

Recently my mouse would not move anything on the screen of my computer. And the touch screen wouldn’t work. The computer was stuck. I tried moving everything I could think of. Then I called my grandson and he pulled out the plug in the back of the screen that connected the mouse to the computer. He waited a minute or two and plugged it back in. Voila! Everything worked perfectly!

Amazing how simple things can be when we unplug for a while.

So cut yourself some slack when you’ve tried and tried and things don’t seem to be working out. It may be time to let go for a time and do something else. Take a walk around the block. Look up at the sky. Notice what is in bloom or the song the bird is singing. Maybe watch the squirrels.

Unplug from the problem when an answer doesn’t seem forthcoming.

We are not work horses! We are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe being human includes a huge amount of mercy—especially to ourselves.

As a human we are always connected to something higher and wiser. Thus we can turn stop trying so hard and so often to figure things out.

In lovingkindness,

Rev. Billie

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GRACE

3/19/2019

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Grace flows all the time—everywhere—and to and through everyone. But it often goes unnoticed.

Grace is a divine energy that continually heals, renews and helps us let go.

It’s sort of like the breath. We are always breathing, but how aware are we of it? The breath flows, heals, renews the body and soul, and  helps us release.

Webster defines grace as “a pleasing quality, favor, good will, thanks; a sense of what is right and proper; decency.”

And it is much more.

Grace is the energy that is always working for us and never against us.

Grace is that which helps us find our way through difficulties and devastating losses.

We feel the grace of God just after a really close call; for instance when we nearly collided with another vehicle, or the medical condition we feared turns out to be a false alarm.

Grace helps us move through the horrendous experiences, the deep pain and suffering we all face from time to time.

Grace comes to us when we are down at the very bottom of a deep pit when it seemed we could never find our way out.

Grace happens when we stop running from that which we don’t want to meet and turn to engage the fear.

Grace is that which helped Jesus through the crucifixion when he said, “Father if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done.”   Luke 22:42

Grace doesn’t remove the experiences that our soul needs for strength and endurance; it helps us move through them.

Grace allows us to find joy in a world that is impermanent and uncertain.

Grace brings us onto stable ground when all around us feels unstable.

Grace opens new beginnings when we were sure it is the end.

Grace is the love that equally cherishes every being on the planet.

When we admit our helplessness and give up trying to fix things, grace becomes active in ways that surprise us.

A small example of grace in my life took place nearly half a century ago. But I will never forget it. It was redemption after deep devastation. I had fallen into the pit of self-hate, so much so that I refused to accompany my family on a weekend outing I had been looking forward to. I refused to go and angrily sent my husband and children off without me, feeling totally undeserving of joy.

As I heard them driving away I fell onto the bed, sobbing. In a few moments my husband returned saying he had forgotten his hat. When he found me crying so forlornly he tenderly held me, and then softly asked if I wouldn’t reconsider. Feeling this merciful touch of love, I gratefully did!

Then he confided that he hadn’t really forgotten his hat. He wanted to give me a second chance to change my mind.

This was grace. Someone loved me when I couldn’t love myself. Someone was there who saw my flaws and still loved me. Friends, families, and even strangers often show us more mercy than we give ourselves.

Grace helps us realize we are still loveable in spite of all the dark and ugly places within us.

Grace teaches us that love overcomes hate.

In the Buddha’s words, “If you look the entire world over you will never find another person more precious than yourself.”

We are all human and we are all precious!

Grace doesn’t stop just because we don’t believe in it. And it often surprises us in both the little and the big moments of life.

Living in grace,

Rev. Billie

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COMPASSION AND ACCEPTANCE

3/11/2019

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How much should we give others the benefit of the doubt? How much should we ignore? How much should we accept? How much should we forgive? And how much compassion do we give ourselves?

What is a healthy way to respond?

Finding the balance between compassion (our gentle response to suffering) and equanimity (that place in us that accepts what is occurring without resentment, worry, etc) is vital.

The renowned Buddhist teacher Pema Chodrin uses the term “idiot compassion” to define making excuses for hurtful and abusive behavior. This is not compassion. Rather it is reacting in ignorant and foolish ways. Being safe is more important.

Or perhaps it’s approval we value. Maybe we hope for some reward, a favor or promotion for example. Or we attempt to ward off some hurtful behavior. We want to avoid what looks dangerous.

Yet underneath this behavior lurks hurt and resentment which end up in the cells of our body.

For many years I could only confront another when my anger reached the boiling point—and then watch out! Those around me suffered.

Reacting in anger or fear does not create harmony.

One day the cost of keeping the lid on my despair became too high to pay and I began to break apart—to give up. I fell into severe depression which eventually led to me to probe more deeply into my unconscious beliefs that were causing my behavior.

For many years I stumbled rather blindly until I found truly qualified teachers and counselors. I began to ask the right questions which led me to the source of the problem. It wasn’t others or the world. My despair and anxiety arose from my view of life.

Expectations cause suffering—and I had many. I had an ideal self to which I must conform. Also I was expecting others to understand my needs without expressing them clearly, nonviolently.

I saw life as a battle between what I hoped for and what I got. I was working so hard, all the time fighting uphill. But the time came when I was too weary to continue the struggle. I slowly realized I had a hole in my heart where compassion needed to be. Not learning it as a child I had to develop it.

I began to slowly and more gently navigate the storms of life.

I learned how to dialogue with others rather than confront. I learned the four simple—not easy— steps of non-violent communication. (I highly recommend Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg for a thorough explanation of them.)

Skillful communication is an art—not a science. It requires not only compassion, but acceptance of what is.

Acceptance comes with a mind that is equanimous.

Equanimity is not indifference or apathy. It is not resignation or giving up in helplessness. Rather it moves us into a new way of seeing life that brings a sense of peace, of acceptance.

Equanimity takes courage. It is an ancient method of living the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,      courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Equanimity teaches us to let go of our expectations and demands. We begin to accept and trust life to do just what is truly needed each moment—though we may not see why. And we know we don’t need to.

Another path to acceptance comes from Elizabeth Kubler Ross. The following are her five stages of letting go, of dying into total surrender and trust:
  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance
Acceptance comes when we no longer wish things to be different than they are. And this comes as we work through the above five stages. It is dying so that we are reborn.

We become aware of what our mind is doing and what our attitudes and expectations are. We begin to wake up to the awesome power of our mind.

Each of these stages takes compassion, equanimity, time and patience. When we think we’ve finished one stage it pops back up unexpectedly, and there we are again.

Take bargaining for instance. I am amazed at how much unconscious bargaining I do each day. For instance as I investigate my true motives for taking supplements I find that I have the hope that they will bring health. I take this and expect that, rather than just doing the right thing and leaving the outcome to God. Instead I find I’m really hoping for a specific outcome. I make a silent bargain for it.

Depression comes next when my expectations aren’t met. I still suffer and get ill. And dying takes place each day.

I finally realize the universe doesn’t bargain. That’s a kick in the pants! Instead it gives us the consequence of exactly what we think, believe and feel. It doesn’t much care what we expect. Perhaps you find this a little depressing, as I did.

The path to acceptance is arduous and takes as long as it takes. It won’t be rushed.

We must walk each step and can’t fly around or over them. It may take an entire life. However we gain momentum with each new action. New neural pathways are developed which lead to new habits.

Habits mean less work, as they are automatic, and life becomes easier.

It’s important to bring compassion to ourselves as we continually investigate our motives. Are we trying to make something happen? Are we trying to measure up to some ideal of how we should be?

What are our stories? What is our inner dialogue? This takes a quiet and listening heart. Meditation, journaling and wise therapy are great aids.

With this comes change. We eventually come to trust life. We learn that joy and sorrow arise and pass away and that we each have equal parts of both! It’s all part of the journey.

We come to realize how much compassion we all need and that there is no lack of it anywhere, except what we refuse to give.

In Compassion,

Rev. Billie

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CHOOSING OUR ATTITUDE

3/5/2019

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Viktor Frankl has written in Man’s Search For Meaning that everything can be taken from us except for one thing—the ability to choose our own attitude in any give set of circumstances. This is the last of our human freedoms. And the most vital, I will add.

Viktor Frankl survived a Nazi prison camp and was able to maintain his attitude of hope even during those horrible times. I cannot imagine worse conditions. Yet after suffering through these cruel and vile circumstances, including the loss of most of those he loved, he went on to develop his theory of logotherapy, a psychological system that has helped millions find meaning in their lives.

To choose one’s attitude under the worst of conditions reveals the true freedom of the mind. How awesome is this gift! And it’s a given, for it is within us.

We not only can choose our attitude, we are choosing it all the time.

Our attitude arises from our core beliefs, and we will only know these by deep investigation into what is happening inside our mind and body.

What thought do you believe most deeply?

The body keeps the score of what the mind is doing and how we respond (or react to) what life brings us.  We can let our body be our ally by not getting angry or frightened when pain and disease visit us. There is a message in our pain. It can lead us to our healing when listened to deeply and with compassion. (See Lost Connections by Johann Hari for more information)

What is our present attitude? What is going on in our mind? What are our emotions? What are we thinking? Is there tightness in our body? What sensations are flowing us now? Reflecting on these will tell us what our attitude is. Is it one of hope? Of dread? Of confidence? Of faith?

Our attitude points us in the direction we are headed.

We can’t really go forward unless we know where we presently are, just as we can’t plan a trip without starting from our present location.

Change can only come after we accept where we are.

Often we are in such a hurry to get things done, to get through something, that we don’t take time to notice either our inner dialogue or our emotional state. What is vital to pay attention to is ignored.

As I write this my body is feeling slightly tired and sluggish. My present attitude is one of forbearance, endurance. My body feels heavy. I’m feeling some disappointment and sadness.

I pause, breathe deeply, relax and own where I am emotionally and physically. As I do, I notice a slight shift. I become aware of new possibilities. Now I note that my attitude has become more hopeful, lighter.

I’m the one doing this! My attitude is changing as I take time to watch my mind and feel my body’s sensations.

My attitudes are of my own creation. I give things the meaning they have. My perspective is the lens through which I view life. Even suffering has meaning. As Dr. Frankl has written, we can bear almost anything when we can find meaning.

Attitudes point the direction we are going. They point this way, or that. They may not immediately change the outer circumstances, but they head us in a direction, going towards something. What or where is up to us.

I recently watched a film about Sitting Bull in which he spoke of his time in prison, explaining that even though his body was behind bars his soul was soaring like an eagle.

Even in prison he chose his attitude.

Of course this takes practice. Dr. Frankl goes on to say that everything in life has meaning and therefore suffering has meaning.

What are we to learn from pain and suffering? What does it mean to us? What are our beliefs about suffering?

As we notice what our mind is doing, we notice what is healthy and what is unhealthy, what causes suffering and what brings joy. There is something within us that chooses that which is truly more pleasant and wholesome.

Through this practice wisdom grows and our attitudes become more peace filled. We move into a place of acceptance of what is; where true change can come about.

We have new attitudes, optimistic attitudes, for we have found meaning in all that has transpired.

When we fight against things we remain a soul divided against ourselves. And that hurts, for a house divided against itself cannot stand.

Now I notice my body has lightened and I feel ready to do the next right thing. I don’t know what will happen or what the turn of events will bring. But I feel hopeful.

Happiness really is an inside job. Joy comes from inner optimism.
The Universe has created us to learn and to soar—even when we seem to be stuck or imprisoned—for we can move through these times and learn from them.

We are a mind that chooses. This is our freedom.

In lovingkindness,

Rev. Billie

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