How often my thoughts have run like that.
I have an old habit of wanting more; thinking life shouldn’t be so difficult and it definitely should be more fun.
Have you had similar ideas?
It’s so easy to discount the small and the commonplace and look for something more spectacular—something that would really make one feel good without the struggle.
What I have discovered (to my embarrassment) is that a feeling of greed lies beneath these thoughts.
“Greed? Really? How can that be? I don’t want much. But I know what I have is not what I want. I just know life should be better than this.”
Circular thinking indeed.
But I find that when I come back to this moment, just this breath, this body, I discover there is a lot going on! Maybe this is really enough! Yes, just this, with nothing added.
As I pay close attention I notice a whole world of small and not so small stuff (sensations, emotions, thoughts, etc) going on inside me. I just had been ignoring that which is closest to me, wanting something that would take me away from unpleasant feelings.
Yes, sensations, emotions, attitudes, fears, and thoughts are running through me at a very rapid rate. Actually it’s a whole world! And a very vibrant one at that.
But it’s easy for me to discount this, pining for something greater, something I’m missing that would make me feel alive and know that I’m important.
It’s like a fish swimming in the ocean and looking for water.
So, let’s explore the water we’re actually swimming in.
When I’m willing to inquire more deeply, pay attention to these sensations within me, I often find how tightly I’m holding on. My muscles tell me this. But it’s such a habit that I ignore it. Habits only work unconsciously.
As I breathe and relax with long, generous exhalations, I realize the truth; if I’m holding on this tight I must feel afraid.
Fear and the underlying beliefs supporting it are what I need to pay attention to right now—not get busy with something else that feels better.
Sitting quietly, breathing I realize that deep down within this fear is the thought that I’m not enough. And that feels really awful.
After all the “core me” is what I am and I can’t change that.
As I work with these difficult thoughts and feelings, breathe deeply and notice this one breath that is entering me, I pay attention to my body. I simply breathe and notice what this fear feels like inside me.
By sitting quietly and questioning how I’m feeling and what thoughts are connected to these sensations I begin telling myself the truth about this moment. And I begin to note a sense of relaxation.
“Ye shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
The truth is what we are really experiencing each minute, not the stories we make up about our feelings, senses, and emotions.
I consciously breathe and begin to feel some spaciousness entering my mind. I’ve stopped reaching outside myself for something-instead I’m content to just be with what is here right now. It will pass. But let me pay attention to it before it does.
For this moment is the beginning of the future.
Where there is space, something new can be done. Things aren’t all crammed together. This is the only time there is: now. This is where I am: here.
I don’t need to believe my thoughts. They are just thoughts. And memories.
That was then; this is now.
I find I only have to live this moment. And each moment has a beginning, a middle and an end. Moments do not last forever.
Living this moment as best we can is our only task. We don’t need to be concerned about eternity, or even next week! Just this moment.
It is enough.
I invite you to try it. Living this moment now—fully, consciously. This moment is something that can be handled. Just this one.
As mother Teresa said, “We cannot do great things, but we can do exceedingly small things with great love.”
All the things the ego had lined up for me to be and do simply float away as I focus on that which is real—just this moment.
What I have learned is that I don’t need whatever is not here.
Just this. As I pay close attention I see a thread to follow that will take me where I need to go.
And it, too, will be enough.